MyLifeUncommon

MyLifeUncommon

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Struggling

It's 3 am and I finally get the call from the police officer. "Mrs. Klimas, you reported a run away?" "Yes sir. He returned 2 hours ago."
"What's his name...." and questions continued.

It was such a good Saturday but a hard week. Lies have flown out of that child's mouth so effortlessly. Caught in one, here comes another. Don't get angry, he's broken. Oh but I am so angry.
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Whenever there is a mistake, a mess up, a moment of not complete perfection...there is a correction. "please wear your helmet", "We don't jump on the couch", "it's time to settle down".....But they can't handle it. Neither of them can, "NO. It wasn't me."
Adam and I repeat the script yet again, "we all make mistakes, we all mess up. It's ok."
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Both Alex and Yana struggle with the acceptance of love. They push away. It was a mere four months ago they joined this family. The sense of permanency is overwhelming. They have never had anyone care enough to correct them. To tell them to try hard. To help them through the hurt.
It is so real, and they both do not know how to handle it.

Yana is clingy, she tries to over compensate. Making sure that I will still cuddle with her even in the midst of a discussion. Of course I grab her and hug her and tell her it will be alright.

Alex flees. He tells himself  he doesn't need us, he doesn't need anyone. He tries to show us he can do it without us. He fights the love, he fights growing close.
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What do I do now? Where do we go from here? 

Praying for patience and strength. Praying for wisdom. Praying for trust.

Yesterday I was writing a blog about how our summer has been going, but I didn't have an opportunity to finish before the incident last night. Over all there have been so many praiseworthy memories, but sometimes the stumbles change everything. Sometimes my heart sinks knowing what I know.  

I know that he has so much ability to do good, but the pure stubbornness of not wanting to learn is deflating. 

It's exhausting. 
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I know that writing this, I am opening myself up and becoming very vulnerable. Showing the public the things that aren't pretty, but I truly hope that God hears the desperation in the words written here. I am giving it to him. 
Guide me. 

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end."
Psalm 48:14


I see myself in them, in all my kids. How it is easier to run than to accept the Grace of God's love; to hide, rather than bring all the flaws into God's light. Through it all, He is always teaching me. Through it all He is always changing me. 


8 comments:

  1. Oh Kimmy, how I feel your pain. Nolan is only 8 but suffers from all of the things you are describing. Do you know about Reactional Detachment Disorder? If not, there are several very good books to read. I will pray for the kids as I pray for Nolan. I will pray for you and Adam.

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  2. You are enough. Even in the times like this when you feel like your at the end of your eope . you are enough. God gave you everything you needed to parent these children. We know this because he always equips those whom he calls. Even when we feel inadequate... You are enough. God will never fail. Keep seeking, keep loving, keep forgiving, keep yourself on your knees. You are enough.

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  3. I hear you. All the way to my toes...

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  4. We have been there many times in this past year with our daughter....it may not have looked exactly the same, but it's the same reasoning, the same struggles at heart. God is so good, so faithful...it's never easy in the midst of it, but we are coming out on the other side, and oh how sweet it is. It often feels like forever, but in time, they will heal and embrace the love. You and your family are in my prayers <3

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  5. This happens even in our home, of birth-born children. YES, we are enough! God calls us to be there, to parent, to unconditionally love, with boundaries that are tested over and over. God's love is enough - as it was for HIS 2 ADULT children, Adam & Eve - they rejected all God offered, but his love continued.... God's grace & mercy - is new every morning. Thank you for sharing. Blessings

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  6. You are parenting a teenage boy and even with children who are born into a family, these things go on. Probably part of Alex's issues is that he is a teenager further complicated by the adoption. The pushing away and lies are also part of the average teenage child--it is tough, but you can handle it.

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  7. The hard parts are real, too.

    I have read that at triple the age of adoption is when you can expect your child to feel "healed" of the trauma that occurred early in life. (I know it's a process.) I don't know how accurate that is, but it stuck in my head.

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  8. Oh Kim...I'm so sorry! The more he pushes, the more he wants your love. He doesn't feel deserving. You have given them the amazing gift of a new life. You and Adam are my heroes! Stay strong. I love you!

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