What's the point?

Today was my first official day off since Yana and Alex went home. I had a day to remember, to think about Yana and Alex and what my life was like a little over a week ago. Something that I haven't wanted to do and had been putting off.

When people ask me about them, the experience, I brush them off and act as though it is ok. It is OK... it is what it is. 

Today was going to be my new typical. As a part time teacher and my first Tuesday off to spend with my 2 little girls.  I went for a run, took my 3 year old to the park, set up paints in the back yard for her, folded 4 laundry baskets full of clean clothes...

I folded my families clothes today. My entire family. Adam and my pile on our bed, Lily and Elliot's pile on their bunk bed and Yana and Alex on...Oh geez, where do I put these? These are his favorite swim trunks, and she wore this shirt all the time. 

Even after being washed, the clothes still smelled like them, and memory after memory came rushing into my brain, replaying scenes from the summer.  The happy ones, the sad ones, the really frustrating ones.

When I told Adam about my day this evening, he looked at me like I am loosing it. "You're smelling their clothes?"

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So many people have asked "what was the point?" Why did you guys bring them here to America knowing that you would have to send them back? Actually, there are many anti-hosting websites and chats about this very topic.

There are the obvious answers... the ways in which their physical needs were met here in America.  Experiences that will have a lasting impact for years...

Yes, they have a much better chance of being adopted now.

Yes, they were given clothes, and toiletries.

Yes, they were given dental care; including 13 fillings and one root canal between the 2 of them.

Yes, they were given vision screenings and glasses.

But above that, they were given a family. Something they never experienced. 

I came from a loving family that cares about the decisions I make in my life. That will call me and check in on me. I have a mom that makes me a yellow box cake with chocolate frosting on my birthday because she knows thats my favorite and will drive 2 hours just to bring it to me. I have a dad that will sing his version of Biggie Smalls, "Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy can't you see some times your words just hypnotize me..." every time I get on the phone with him, every time. 

As ridiculous and quirky as those things are, they made me the person I am. I know that someone loves me. I know that someone cares about me. 

Growing up, even though I was not a perfect kid (far from it actually) when in certain situations I never wanted to disappoint the ones that loved me, the people I depended on. I can still hear my dad before I went out for the night "Smart kid, smart choices."

Alex and Yana never had that. No one cared if they did good in school. No one cared if Alex wasn't nice to his sister. No one cared to get to know them or to love them. No one ever cared about them.

There world was so small. As small as the walls of their orphanage.

picture taken by Alex and sent to me

Alex and Yana came here on vacation, to get away from their life, even if it was just for a short time. Isn't that what vacation is?

But they left with the best souvenir. 

They left knowing that Adam and I are checking in on them. They left knowing that we care how they do in school. We care if Alex is not nice to Yana. They know that we care about them.

We love them.  They met so many others while they were here and they love them as well. They know we are praying for them every night.

We have had the opportunity to talk to them almost every day since they went home.

I can not even begin to tell you what a blessing it is to see Yana and Alex on Facetime in the same room smiling, laughing and just being together.  It is God's amazing work. We have friends that have visited their orphanage prior to this summer, and they have told me they did not know the two were siblings. Alex would be in the same room and would not even acknowledge Yana. Now they are talking to one another and laughing? Super cool and such a blessing.

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As for their clothes, the ones they could not jam into their suitcase. I folded them neatly in their rooms. Just in case.

As for me, I find comfort in God, in the many people that are praying for all of us, and the many reminders they left all over my small world, like the tree is my classroom that Alex made. The coloring pages Yana taped on my kitchen cabinets. And the many other things that trigger great memories of orphan children that I know and love.

I was not ready!

Around 10:30 am, I drove into a Starbucks drive-thru.
"How are you? Can I take your order?"

Oh no, keep it together..."May I have..."I choked through the order and drove off with my nonfat latte without the lady realizing I was a hot mess. 

How are you? How are you?

How am I?

Sad.

Picture message sent to Alex before he had to turn his phone on airplane mode

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Everyone told me it will be hard when they leave. I thought I had my guard up. I thought I was prepared.


But I wasn't...I was not ready.

But, I felt ready. Suitcases and carry-on's packed. A gift bought for their director for allowing them to come. Clothes washed and folded and ready to wear on the plane. Teary eyed teenagers, sent to bed at 9:30 to be well rested for a long 23 hours of traveling.

But I was not ready, I was not ready to say goodbye. I was not ready to send them back to a country at war. To a place that they fear. Where they do not have a mommy to comfort them. To be orphans again. 

My 3 year old told Yana, "I go too, I go on the airplane too."
"No Elliot!  You no want to go Ukraine. Es bad, I no want to go, you stay here."
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The kids opened their presents, as soon as they got up around 4:00am this morning.  Shutterfly hardback books, filled with memories for them to keep. They both escaped to their rooms for a moment, to privately remember each picture. Each day. How they felt.

I offered them breakfast and they both refused. They piled into the car. Yana and Elliot slept. Alex listen to music and Lily realizing what we were doing, asked questions, many many questions.
Does Yana have toys in Ukraine?
Who will feed Lady and Jezebel?
How long do they fly?
Can they buy gum?
She never asked if they were coming back, or if we'd see them again. Something I was waiting for. Maybe she didn't want to know the answer. Maybe she knew I don't know the answer. 

We arrived at the airport,  my brother was waiting with McDonald's in the arrival area next to his car with his engine running. He was now late for work because of us. We were late arriving to LAX, and when we first walked up he was noticeably irritated, but then he realized...Somethings are worth being late for, some people are worth saying goodbye to. 
He hugged both kids. Alex began to cry...
That's when I started to lose it. I stepped backwards to try to put on a tough front. The lump in my throat and the shallow breaths to stop myself. Can't cry yet.  

I was not ready!

I was not ready to send them back, still hoping for a miracle, as an hour ticked by. We were still waiting to check in. Thinking, this is sooooo God, waiting for the last minute so we can only give Him the glory. 
Waiting for something, anything.  Something amazing so the kids do not have to go. (People call it denial, I call it HOPE.)

Yana prayed "the plane broke" so she would not have to leave. She prayed that prayer every night this week. Would that be the case? Would they not have to leave. Please let that be the case.

There was a problem... 
The chaperone's passport did not match the name on the ticket. The ticket was spelled wrong. So we waited. We hung out. We laughed. We ate McDonald's. It's now 8:20am, and the small group of us start talking, their not going to make their plane? They depart at 9:10. A glimmer of hope for all of us. 

BUT,  that was not His plan. At 8:30 we were quickly following the other 3 families 15 yards in front of us to the escalators to help get them through security. We fell behind. We were the only family that had small children with us and we couldn't keep up. When we joined the group at the escalators, there was some confusion. They would not let us up to help them. 
This is it. Say goodbye.

My heart sunk. I began to weep. Alex and Lily too. We were all crying out loud, the heart wrenching, ugly face kinda crying. 

And we hugged each other. 

Yana would not look up at me.  She put up her wall. The one we knocked down over and over again this summer. The one she uses to push away all feeling, the good and the bad. It was up and she began to walk away from us, and this time we couldn't knock it down again. We both hugged her and so did the girls. "I love you Yanie" Elliot told her. Yana was the first up the escalator. She did not turn around, she only faced forward. 
She knows she is going to a place where she needs that wall, she is going to a place where there is nothing else to protect her. 

Alex cried, and he hugged me. He was so sad and showed every bit of it. In front of his friend, in front of his sister, he didn't care. 
I miss you, I  miss you. I love you. Keem, you my mom. 
I could not form words, I was crying so much.  He was the last one to go up the escalator, wiping his eyes under his new glasses. Waving and crying. 

I picked Lily up to comfort her.

I was not ready!

I was not ready to get down on my knees and hold my sobbing 5 year old because Alex and Yana were now out of sight, and she loves them too much.

I was not ready for the tears on the ride home and the 3 year olds questions, "Where is Alex?" noticing he is not in the seat next to her.
 "Alex went home to Ukraine." 
"I want him at my home." 
"Me too, baby."

It was hard. Really hard. 
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My best friend sent me this scripture in a text message. It carried me today.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

Isaiah 55:9

God is bigger, His plan is bigger. This summer, God has taught me through Alex and Yana how to be more patient. How to always love and to forgive. How to be kind and to give to others.
 He has taught me to be a better person. To live for Him.

I didn't know I could love so deeply, so quickly. I didn't know my life would be changed so dramatically. 

I wasn't ready.

But I would do it again, in a heartbeat, I would do it again. Because it was all worth it. The love was worth the hurt. 

It always is. 

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Different directions

Last week we had a beautiful person and friend spend a late afternoon with us. She shared her amazing talent. Stacey Winters, was able to capture so much growth and love, through a camera lens. She truly blessed us with these pictures. This has been a life changing summer, and one I will never forget. I am so grateful for the gorgeous pictures. Thank you Stacey! 

All the pictures from this post were taken by her. Please visit her website, here, she is a fabulous photographer and a phenomenal person.
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Different directions:

I have found three gray hairs this summer,  one for every hat I wear, I guess? One for being a teacher,  one for being a wife and one for being a mother. With these titles come responsibilities and I am constantly pulled in different directions. 

This Wednesday, I have a meeting with my team, my daughter's preschool open house. Also,  my husband would like me to call a babysitter so I can organize the work room at his school. As well as take Alex to his final dental appointment during that exact same time. All on Wednesday. Not to mention a text I received asking, "Can Yana have a play date Wednesday?" It is busy, but awesome. 

So, we travel as a pack! To my classroom (me and 4 kids). To the dentist (me and 4 kids). To the grocery store (me and 4 kids). To Adam's work (me and 4 kids). 

...and the 4 kids, all wanting direct attention for me. 
Mommy, watch me! 



Keem look look. 

Mama, I need you.

Juggling is not a skill I have mastered, but one I continue to work on. It is such a blessing to pour on to these children the love of God. Filling their "love tank," as our pastor would call it.

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I like to be planned, I like to be scheduled, I like to know what I am doing tomorrow, a week from today, and next year. 

A planner. A preparer. That is totally me. 

And...for the first time I wish I didn't know what I was doing a week from today.

Because a week from today I will be dropping off two of my children to be orphans again. Orphan children, each equipped with a donated backpack and a donated suitcase, soon to be filled to the brim with clothes, snacks, toiletries, memories, and love. 

So they can take back parts of their vacation. 

Parts of America back to the Ukraine. 

Back to their orphanage where little to no supplies are being given. Where the orphanage directors budgets have been cut because of the war. I am sending these children, that have become my children, to unstable country, much more unstable than when they left 8 weeks earlier. 

A country under attack.

 How can I send them back? No, I do not want to!

I know, I know...I have to trust, I have to have faith. I have to know that His plan is so much bigger than mine. 

But I can still be sad. And I can still cry. I can still be incomplete denial and think that some amazing miracle is going to happen. 

I have prayed that it will. I have prayed for something to cling to. I have prayed for scripture and God to comfort me.

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Paths. Directions. Ways. 

Where do we go from here? Will we be pulled another direction? 

What happens after the 8 weeks are done? After we have opened our home, and our hearts and they have opened theirs?

I pray that God guides us and I pray for Alex and Yana to be comforted.  I ask that anyone reading this will please do the same.

Thank you,
Kimmy

In the car

   My best conversations with people always happen in the car. With everyone; my best friend after a girls night, my husband while the kids are napping in their car seats, my 3 year old daughter when my 5 year old gives her the opportunity to get a word in, and even my mother in law. 

In cars, walls come down, and honesty prevails.  The car can be moving or parked. It doesn't matter. It's just something about being confined into a small space without the distractions of life. 

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  Last night, I left Adam and took the kiddos on a 2 hour car ride to Los Angeles to stay at my parents house for the night. Alex and Yana both had a vision screening. Dr. Miller from Eye Care Medical Associates in San Pedro has known my family for a very long time (actually my Aunt worked for him for years) and was happy to see the kiddos for free.  Such a blessing.

I was happy to hear Yana has 20/20 vision, although she was disappointed she would not be getting glasses. 









Unfortunately, this was not the case for Alex. Although he has good vision in one eye, he had travmy or trauma, in the other. He has complained that he sees a black spot and things are blurry in that eye. "Travmy," he explains pointing to his eye.
Dr. Miller informed me that there is no treatment that will correct the condition. Although, Alex has an idea! He will just take out his eye and pop in a good one. Done. And. Done. 
I calmly explained, "I don't think that will work, sweetie." He insisted it would, so I just left it at that.  

    Instead, I took him to Costco to pick out a pair of cool glasses. We walked over to the wall of glasses and mirrors. He picked up a pair with all black frames. He asked me "mirror?" and I step out of the way so he could check himself out. 
 "I want. Cool."
Well, that was easy...I would have been there for an hour trying to find the perfect pair. Sometimes boys are so awesome.  

We paid for the glasses, as Yana huffed and puffed and whined in the background, "Eye's bad, no good. Glasses. I want..." 

And we went on our merry way. 
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Through this hosting experience, there has been ups and downs. 


We jumped in feet first,  we are now parents to teenagers. Teenagers! And to top it off, these teenagers get to do whatever they want usually. 

"I do what I want in Ukraine." 

They usually do not have a lame mom and dad to tell them to wear their helmets, or that they are going back to the dentist. That it is rude and we do not blow bubbles in our drink, or that we all help clean the house. Oh, and we do not throw french fries up in the air at a nice sit down restaurant and try to catch them with our mouth. 

America no fun! 

I have told Adam so many times during this adventure that we are such a dud family!!!

Sometimes I tell him sarcastically, like when Alex wanted to drive the car. 

And sometimes in reality because they ask for things we do not feel they need, and we want to teach them the importance of working hard and earning things. Dud!
 It would be way cooler of us just to buy them everything they ask for, like a new watch because Yana jumped in the pool again with it on and it finally stopped working.

But through it all, we have totally fell in love with these big pains. We are so in love! I thought we were bringing them here to America to help them. 
(And I hope we have). 

Playing dress up with her 5 year old host sister!

But they have helped us too. 

They have opened my eyes to so much more. Because of them, I see my life as not my own, but one for the Lord. I know he is working through me and so many other people along the way. This experience is so much bigger than little ol' me and I am grateful for it all. 

Grateful for the ups and the downs.

I am dreading the day when I have to say goodbye to these kids, it saddens and sickens me that the date is vastly approaching. 

How has it already been six weeks?

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I picked Alex up from a friends house on Monday afternoon and met Adam at a restaurant. (We had a gift card from Adam's birthday back in May.)

After dinner, we gave Adam hugs and said goodbye since we were off to LA and he was going to enjoy the quiet sounds of an empty house for a full 24 hours. 

Before we left the parking lot, Lily started crying in her car seat. "What's wrong Bear?" I asked.

"I miss daddy." She was sobbing, you know the kinda of crying when you can't even get the words out. I got out of the car, walked around the back, slid open the side door then got her out of her carseat.  
Yana asked, "Why she cry?" in English. Alex said something back to her in Ukrainian and they both just watched as I consoled her.  Lily calmed down, so I handed her the kiki (special blanket) and started to head north.

Lily's crying must have made Alex think, 

"I want family." 

He said this to me around the city of San Clemente. About 25 minutes into a car ride where only music played in the background.

Oh God, give me the words....

"Alex, family means rules and helping...you do what you want in Ukraine." 

He replied in a firm louder tone, but his voice cracked in the middle of it. 

"Because, because...because I in CHILDREN'S HOME."

He then turned his body away from me toward the passenger side window. 

I grabbed his hand and he did not pull away as I thought he would.

I said, "We love you Alex."

The car was again silent.

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