grateful and guilty

There have been many events in my life that have changed me to who I am today. 

 In June my husband, two young daughters and I opened our home to 2 Ukrainian orphans for 8 weeks through a hosting program, http://www.heartforhosting.org. Going into the experience, I was hopeful that we would be able to give them food to eat, dental visits, vision care and a warm bed to sleep in. What I didn’t realize was that our family was going to fall deeply in love with this 12 year old girl and 16 year old boy. 

These two children came off a 23 hour flight to a country where we do not speak their language with only the clothes on their back and nothing more. We had a community of people donate 4 trash bags of hand-me-down clothes for each child. When they walked into our home, the children were quite but when opening the closets in their OWN rooms, Alex (16) gasped as if saying, “these belong to me!” 

The children were in awe of what they had received in a short days time. 

Stepping foot on American soil, they quickly have a home, a room, clothes that are theirs, a refrigerator with food, but mostly parents and a family that loves them unconditionally. One that will not hit them, abandon them. They became a son and daughter.

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Last night was our Casino night, a fundraiser that has taken away many restful nights for the past 3 weeks. Writing letters, soliciting myself, my family, our story, in hopes to raise money that will help bring two kids home forever. 

Seventy nine people came to the event, dressed up in Halloween costumes from a gum ball machine, mad hatter and queen of hearts, to appearances from the D.C. Comics super hero's. A beautiful night spent with people who have met Alex and Yana, who have only read about them and others who had no idea why they were there but heard there was booze, and an amazing bartender (and assistant).

Nineteen donated items were raffled, including a mini IPad, a dream dinners party,  Boo Hoo Crew Basket filled with CD's and a set of family T-shirts, an Arbonne basket, as well as seventeen silent auction items including Karate and Dance lessons for a month, 31 bags, photography package by Stacy Winters  and a week at a 3 bedroom condo in Grand Cayman. Incredible gifts, just given to us, to them.

Just one of 3 tables of silent auction items

During the planning of the event, I have had people in and out of my house. Alex and Yana’s rooms taken over by baskets, raffia, ribbon, and scissors, which are still all over the floor. (The last basket wrapped at 4:40pm yesterday afternoon and set up on the table at the 11th hour.) 

We were all working down to the wire.

 My friends, coming over to my house while I was at work Thursday and Friday to an empty house to print out labels and silent auction sheets, drink tickets...  Others coming over after 8 at night to until about midnight on multiple nights, after their three kids went to sleep. All to wrap baskets in a dark room with no lamp with me. Other friends calling and saying I have this to donate, or would you like this, it took over 12 hours to set everything up, but last night over 13 people helped clean up and we were all out there in an hour...So many hands made the night perfect. My friends have given their time this week and I cannot even explain the amount of love and appreciation.

I went home last night, exhausted. As I told the Lord thank you and reflected on my many many blessing, tears stream down my face. For me? I do not deserve the amount of love I am given. I do not deserve these blessing, these friends. How come I have all this?

Sometimes I feel so guilty. 

“But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability..” 

Deuteronomy 8:18

It is shocking, like a closet full of clothes to a orphan that has nothing. So much love can be humbling and overwhelming. I gasp, to catch my breath and to take a moment. I give it to God, all my guilt, my worries, my weaknesses, my shock, my praise. 

This is all for You, this is all for Your glory.  

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, But to your name give glory Because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth.”  

Psalm 115:1

There are no words that will explain, the only thing I have is.... I love you guys and thank you!

______________________________________________________My guilt fades away, and a growth mindset flows through me.

 Alex and Yana are coming home as a son and daughter, to a place that barely knows them but will love them.  

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

Jeremiah 29:11

My beautiful mother

To whom it may concern

A letter to a friend.

To whom it may concern,

  I know that your fear and anxiety over our choice to adopt is out of love for us. I know that you are afraid that we may never see you anymore because we will be growing from a busy family of 4 to a chaotic broken-English-speaking family of 6. I know our bills will go up, and I know that our opportunities to see you may be less.   
We have never talked to you about the reasons why we are adopting Yana and Alex, just defended your reasons why not to adopt.  

Do you want to know why?

Why are we spending free time tying pairs of shoes together and sorting through other peoples garage sale donations? Why we are going into local businesses collecting trinkets and gift certificates for silent auction items? Why we are working so hard to bring these kids, that we've only knew for a short 2 months, back to America? 
Well, it's because..
 there is so much evil in this world, so much bad. If we do not adopt these kiddos their  futures are very bleak. Statistics reveal, 10-15% of orphans after "aging out" of their orphanage around age 15-17, commit suicide before the age of 18. 60% of girls, YOUNG GIRLS, are lured into prostitution (human trafficking), and finally 70% of boys become criminals. No one deserves this type of life.   
I know Alex and Yana.  They are not ready to be adults, they are not ready to be on their own, to "age-out"of the system. They are not ready to live the life that I know God has chosen them to live. They have so much potential and strength, but, the world is stacked up against them. They will be a statistic if not adopted. Period. 

I understand the effects it will have on my family. I understand that it terrifies you to have me across the earth to "save" two children, and not be with Lily and Elliot. Please find comfort in the fact that it is only for a short time and I am not alone in this. 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; 

do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God

 will be with you where you go."

Joshua 1:9

If there is any hope for a good life for them, it is for them to be adopted. For Alex to pursue his God given gift, for Yana to know that she is  absolutely beautiful, and strong and does not need anyone or anything besides God. There is hope for their life through adoption.

Mural Alex hand drew and painted on Lily's friend wall!

 For all orphans, no, children everywhere to have a loving family to support them, care for them, pray for them, be with them. 

I pray that you support this choice. I pray that you understand that this is God's plan in our lives. We are all called as people to love one another. 

That means giving of ourselves, our-whole-self. There is nothing in this world that I take when I die. So while I am here, I plan on teaching my family to truly LOVE, and give of themselves, their-whole-entire-selves and live like we should.  I will fall short of being this parent and it is easy to say this and hard to do, but.."Nothing is impossible with God."


I love you and I hope you now understand. 



Kimmy 









Y&A update: Alex is back from camp, and broke his ankle playing soccer, or walking not sure but I know it was tripping on a rock. Yana is now at the "medical" camp, that Alex was at. 
Prayers please.

Lemonade stand

You know the saying...

 When life gives you lemons

Build a sweet lemonade stand!

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 Last week with all the "trials" that we had...I was thinking over and over in my head, make lemonade, just make lemonade. God has totally got this and I need to just make the best out it. I need to make lemonade out of these lemons. 

So when I went to AAA to get my registration sticker, Elliot and I had a Starbucks date before-hand. We also looked at all the fun Disneyland stuff at AAA. It basically could have been Disneyland for all she knew. Making lemonade. 

When going to the court to pay my fine, the 2 girls and I walked to the library (which is next door) and read 4 books on the carpet together then checked out 2 books EACH. Making lemonade.

When the Lowes workers took down the fence, I had them leave 3 panels. Not sure what I was going to do with them. But maybe make another garden bed or stairs in our hillside for easy accessibility...
oh my mind was churning. 
Trying to make lemonade...

"Oh my goodness Adam, let's make a lemonade stand with the fence wood and have the girls sell snacks and lemonade at the garage sale."

Donations only of course (they can't count change).

Now my thinking was we would build one of those stand up ones that I could probably make, but Adam had something a little more in depth. 
Making lemonade.

I drew him a sketch of what I was thinking, a little design. The picture above proves that he had something a little more sophisticated in mind.  

He is so good. God really blessed me with that guy.

This was a whole family project! My job was to sand and paint,  alongside two naked little girls. While Adam cut measured, screwed holes, and measured again and then cut again. Family time, making lemonade.

Every part of the stand (except the wheels) was from our backyard or Garage. The fence wood, the screws, and the "oops" paint in the garage all went towards Adam's masterpiece. Making lemonade. 

("Oops" paint is the mess up paint from any home improvement store.
I always buy it when I see a color I think I could use someday.)

Virtually a free lemonade stand, 

to make lemonade!

It is 5:30 in the morning and today is our huge garage sale. The girls have never been so excited. They have a part in bringing Yana and Alex home. 

Elliot was pretending to type on the computer last night before bed, I asked her what she was doing?

"I bringing Yana and Alex home," 

she proceeded to type then she stopped again 

"they be home next week."

I ran up and gave her a huge hug and kiss.

I love that kid.

"I wish, baby girl." 

If you are local stop by the Emerald Heights garage sale, its our annual neighborhood garage sale at it is from 8-12 today.  Thank you to everyone who has donated to this event. We have filled up our yard and our next door neighbors. Such a blessing!

Come buy some lemonade.

     

 

Donation link

Trust.

Polar vortex and fire storms make me appreciate the good in life.

This is my rant, my pity party, you can stop reading now if you were hoping for warm and fuzzy today.

 

Trials, obstacles, unforeseen circumstances have really hit our wallet this week, or should I say savings account.  

Our fence blew down last May during the fires and of course, my husband just screwed the broken fence to the palm tree leaning against it as well as added a couple more braces. It was all good to go, or so we thought. But after our two dogs were able to knock down some of the boards and double their backyard space, our next door neighbors let us know that Monday,  Lowes was coming to build a new fence.

It's only money.

Elliot was helping with her own shovel and wheel barrow

While knocking down the fence, the workers noticed our 3 large palm trees made it "impossible" to build the new fence as it would lean against it. Ok, down they come.

It's only money.

Goodbye shade

Add a speeding minivan and a hiding motorcycle cop into the mix and a Verizon cell phone bill I thought was being automatically withdrawn since August.

It's only money.

And the kicker, a parking ticket today outside my school because we put the registration sticker on the wrong car a month ago, but we still have to pay 83.00 dollars for our mistake.

In times like these, I turn to sarcasm and God. And sometimes a little of both.

Really God? You know I just paid our Adoption Agency fees and the home study fees on Monday. You could have given me these trials before we wiped out our savings. I am not questioning your timing, but come on what is up with your timing?

Trust. One word pops into my head. Trust.

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When Alex and Yana were here, Adam and I were very protective of their time and activities. If Alex wanted to stay up late, we were staying up too. If Yana wanted to take the dogs for a walk, we would take a walk too.

It took time for us to trust them. Trust.

Now, I never trusted them enough to try to drive a motor scooter, my brother tried that, but he had never seen Alex on a bicycle.

I have never heard my husband yell, but when he saw Alex sitting on my brother's girlfriend scooter, he screamed, "ABSOLUTELY NOT."

I ran from the kitchen to the front yard of my parents house to see what was all the commotion.

We pulled my brother to the side,

"I am going to have to agree with Adam. Absolutely not. I have seen Alex run into trash cans, parked cars and a bush while riding his bike, when there was nothing else on the road. This is probably not a safe idea."

After just one of many spills on his bike

But in time, as we learned more about our host kiddos, their strengths and abilities, we began to trust them in certain circumstances. We began to allow Alex to feel a little more independent, letting him ride his bike without me riding along side. I mean nothings cooler to a 16 year old, having a 30 something mommy in yoga pants biking along side you, but for some reason he didn't want me to come along. Hmmm.

Dork alert!

With any relationship trust is built through time.

 My trust in God continues as my walk with him.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

 but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

Psalm 20:7

We are getting there...chug chug chugging along through this adoption process. Social worker visits under our belt, agency fees paid, paperwork submitted, passport expedited. My days off spent taking classes about medical, and behavior issues that may be expected when adopting "older" children.

We are so far and yet so close. When will they be home? When do you leave to get them? How will you be able to afford to do this?

I guess my answer to all is trust. Trusting it will be soon. Trusting in God and following His plan in our lives.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere flesh do to me? 

Psalm 56:3-4

So bring it on World!!!
 Give my minivan another ticket. Knock down all my fences. I am going to trust in the Lord. 
But, still might be a little sarcastic about it.